I had read and heard that approximately seventy percent of couples who have lost a child or children, end up divorcing. I didn't understand that, until we walked in those shoes.
I was graced by God, with a determination to NOT HOLD BACK on using every healthy avenue available, to "more than just survive" my Robby grief. I talked to loving friends, relatives and neighbors. I regularly saw a secular counselor, as well as a spiritual director. I "let myself" FEEL every stage of my Robby grief and to put it into words, for those who were lovingly willing to listen.
When we first started attending the support group for grieving parents and siblings, I heard some of the parents laughing and saw them smiling. Rather than see that as the hope that I, too, might laugh again some day, I started to question if we belonged there. Their laughter caught me TOTALLY off guard. I thought to myself, "SURELY, these parents COULDN'T POSSIBLY love their child who has died, NEARLY AS MUCH as I do! IF they DID, there is NO WAY they could be this happy!
By sharing my intense Robby grief with those bereaved parents each month, was like "dumping a little garbage." I sometimes felt WORSE, for the first week after sharing the most painful aspects of my emotions. Other times, I'd snatch back the very "garbage" I had thrown away, and stuff it way back down into my heart and soul.
For the most part, though, I began to see and feel tiny loads being lifted off of me. I bonded with many of those bereaved parents each month. They DID KNOW WHAT THAT KIND OF HEARTACHE AND PAIN WAS LIKE! THAT MATTERED, A LOT!
That very same principle is how this Focus Clubhouse helps you and I! I may not know HOW YOU FEEL, but I DO KNOW AND HAVE LIVED THROUGH, the journey of mental illness. I won't claim to know what it's like to deal with mental health diagnoses I HAVEN'T been diagnosed with, however, I offer my love and support to each and everyone here!
Sadly, as I was noticing the small bits of healing in my own Robby grief road, my husband was STUCK where he had been since Robby's death. He hadn't found the courage to take the grief horror from within himself, to put it into words and start healing. He rarely cried. He became robotic. He was only a shell of the man he had been. He walled himself off from EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. He was frozen in a zone of unimaginable pain, denial and unmerited guilt over Robby's death. Much of the husband I had married, seemed to have gotten buried with our Robby.
After eleven years, our marriage seemed lost. I wasn't willing to live without the physical relationship, friendship, conversation, humor and hope that he had given up on.
We separated three times. In 2000, we planned to divorce. THAT was when the diagnosis of "passive death wish" was added to my depression and anxiety. I had no plans to take my own life, yet I prayed constantly that God would take me home to Himself.
I am forever grateful to God, for NOT leaving me where I was in those days! He won't leave YOU in your pain, either! Let Him carry you! Know that you are NOT ALONE! YOU ARE LOVED! YOUR LIFE MATTERS! We weren't brought into this organization by accident. You are HERE ON PURPOSE, FOR A PURPOSE!
May God grant each of your needs!
This page has been dedicated to Members of FOCUS Clubhouse to share their thoughts and experiences with each other and our viewers.